My Gorgeous  Secretary

“Oh, how I hate the hippo!” Sheena said

She was talking about our head secretary. Janet  was very efficient, and a very compassionate person. However, like many American women, she was endowed with a generous, above average, umm… rear end. Apparently, to Sheena, that was totally unacceptable.

 “I hate the other  one too, with her skinny hairy legs and non-stop feminist crap!”

This one, Mary, I actually liked a lot. She had a degree   in religious studies,  one of the few American women who knew who Hanuman was. Not that I am a devotee of the revered monkey God! But  her in-depth knowledge of world religions was really impressive. She was a liberated woman, happily married to a wonderful man who cared very little about occasional hair growth on her legs. But obviously, Sheena could not stand her either!

“If you hate them so much, how can you work with them, Sheena?”

Indeed, this was a big problem. Sheena Pal, our secretary number three, was gorgeous!

I was pleasantly surprised when Mary told me a desi secretary was hired. Our small liberal arts college had foreign-born people in the faculty, but the staff was almost entirely homogeneous.

Yes, she really was a beauty!  Her Bengali father and Parsi mother migrated here when she was seven years old. Her English was flawlessly American, her eyes were light brown, she was slender, yet she was stacked, if you know what I mean. Her long dark hair and classy, yet sexy outfits floored our small contingent of graduate students.  The faculty, mostly married, definitely was stirred, if not shaken, by her infectious smile.

Thanks to Sheena, our office, previously a dull and quiet citadel of efficiency, soon became   a  bastion of  angry feline encounters and  vitriolic sarcasm. Not only she was lazy and incompetent, but she also expected  the other women in the office to bow to her beauty and kiss her you-know-what on a regular basis.

Instead of working, Sheena preferred  to primp at her desk and read gossip and make-up tips  on the internet.

Several hapless male graduate students were hopelessly smitten. No sexual harassment actually occurred because no sexual favors were ever granted  or requested. She snared men with  merely a hint of a promise of what might happen if they remain at her beck and call.

Dr. Williamson requested two-hundred copies of his midterm exam by 11 am last semester. Gave her the original exam two  full  days earlier. At 10:30, he came to the office to pick up the copies. He was thirty minutes early.

Sheena frowned as she looked up from her Harlequin Romance.

“Ahmad will come in a minute and start making copies. He  can program our new automatic copier so it can collate and staple the exams. He will take the exams to your office at 11, OK?”

And she started filing her nails  immediately, ignoring an incredulous Dr. Williamson. Poor Ahmad, an MA student from Pakistan, apparently volunteered for this.

“By the way, Janet, I will take a three hour lunch break today. Cho will cover for me, OK?”

Another “volunteer” student, from Korea, was assigned   at her desk while she went on a rejuvenating beauty treatment.

As luck would have it, I had a minor administrative position for a year, and Sheena became my own secretary. Her frequent professional trips to my office led to much personal talk. Soon, she was telling me about her non-existent love life. Apparently, she had tried dating a  lot.

“Desi boys are useless”, she said, as crossed her gorgeous legs “They stammer on the first date, stutter on the second date, and propose marriage on the third date! I never get a chance to know them! I am not marrying any stuttering fool!”

“American men want to sleep with me too early. Nobody messes with Sheena that easily. I want only one man who will be totally devoted to me. And he will have to commit to me totally before he gets all this” she pointed at herself.

“Any cheating and I will kill him for real” She threatened !

A noble goal, indeed. But she obviously freaked out American men.

I was amused that such a beauty was without a boyfriend.

“What do you do for fun then? Do you go out?”

“Gosh, I would love to go out to the new mall in the city, watch a movie and eat at Shalini, the new Indian place.”

“Tell you what.  I have some shopping to do as well. Why don’t we go together? I don’t want to date you, just a social outing, OK?”

She agreed. I confess, yes, I was attracted to her beauty, in spite of her personality. One evening with her will reveal if she has any redeeming qualities, I thought.

When I drove up close to the mall, Sheena suddenly said “Let’s park at the back near the movie entrance instead of the main mall entrance. And we will sneak in a little bit after the movie begins. And leave just before it ends, OK?”

“Why?”

“You know, lot of students come here, they might talk if they see us together.”

After the movie, we started walking around in the mall. I was heading for the shoe store.

“Would you walk a little bit behind me in the mall, please?” She said sweetly “I don’t want any students to see us together, - you know-  all this harassment policies at school.”

Oh my God! It suddenly dawned on me that this chick did not even want to be seen in public with somebody like me. Clearly I was a sub par male, not even measuring up to her standards of a walking companion!  Pronto was very mad!

I was ready for some revenge. Both short-term  and long-term!

“Why don’t you go to the food court and have a coffee or something? Sheena said “I will go look at the new fall outfits at  Little Princess. I will call you on your cell if I find something I like.”

No way! I ain’t  buying no outfits for this chick.

“Wait a minute, My cell is vibrating. Let me take this” I lied

Five minutes later,  I  told her a big lie “ Jaggu’s daughter had a car accident. He and his wife called from the hospital. I need to go and stay with his other kids. Now.”

“But I really wanted to go to “Little Princess”. I am really hungry too. Aren’t we going to Shalini  for  dinner? Can we at least pick up a chicken sandwich from a drive-through?” She pouted.

“Sorry, this is really an emergency. We will try Shalini   next time” I lied again as I sped out of the shopping mall.

Short-term revenge was  easy! Jai Hanumanji!

I conferred with Mary about my long term revenge. It took us about six months. By sheer luck, I found the rare desi animal, the Indian  playboy!

Raj Khandekar was  a shy desi prof in our school. A few years ago, after his divorce, he moved out to Topeka, to a crummy school in a crummy city for a higher salary. I heard a rumor that he turned himself to an athletic, debonair love machine.

After renewing our acquaintance, I made the two hour drive to his townhouse in Topeka. Indeed, Raj was cool as a cucumber, not flashy, just handsome and self-assured. Unlike my bachelor’s quarters, his was a playboy’s den. The living room had   Rajput  Harem paintings on one wall, and Radha and Krishna’s suggestive  pictures on the other. The entire place was tastefully decorated with curios from all over the world, silk curtains and ornate mirrors. I was  jealous!

“Wanna see my bedroom upstairs?” Raj smiled “I got mirrors all around the bed.  From floor to ceiling!”

“How many girls do you date, maestro?”

“I usually keep three girlfriends at all times.  Usually a blond, you know the stripper bimbo type, and a fetish girlfriend, either an  oriental or a really dark-skinned black girl. The third one is pretty much open so long as she is gorgeous!”

“And I am always looking for new ones! You know, fresh meat keeps us young!” He winked.

I flinched. I bet he was every woman’s dream – Not!

But I was doing happy somersaults in my mind. Bingo, I thought, I have found a man for Sheena!

I introduced them in a bar. Raj lit up when we walked in (“fresh desi meat, yesss!!!)

Sheena broke into a big smile when he kissed her hand. Clearly this was no stuttering desi fool!!

I was ecstatic. I retreated hastily, giving a chance for romance to blossom.

In a month, Sheena found a new secretarial  job in Topeka.

The farewell party at our office was unusually well-attended.  Apart from the sad graduate students, the rest of us were grinning.

“I will give them two months, tops” I told Mary “Raj will start sleeping around. Then Sheena would be mad as hell. Sparks would fly and bodies would fall, I guarantee it.”

Mary was beaming. “You have a future in the matchmaking business. You found exactly the right guy she would be attracted to and exactly the kind of person who will make her miserable later on. This was truly devious, Pronto”

“Thank you very much” I gloated in my success . However, Hanuman ji, or some other divine entity, I guess, had other plans!

In a couple of months, the phone rang. It was Raj

“You wouldn’t believe how happy I am with Sheena.”

“Really?” I said in disbelief

“She goes to lesbian bars in town and picks up really pretty women. She spends a few days with the new chick, then we  all get it on together. And she gets a new chick every so often!

I discarded my other girls totally. This is heaven, Guru!”

Sheena came on the phone

“You heard what he said” she giggled “I never knew I liked women too before I met Raj. Once he told me about his fantasies, I was really intrigued. The first time I was with a woman, I was glowing!

“I am falling in love with him! And with this bi lifestyle!” She cooed.

Janet, Mary and yours truly were crestfallen. Our plan backfired!

Looks like I inadvertently   found  Sheena’s soul mate!

“Damn” Mary said “I thought Sheena would be slashing his throat in a month!”

“Beauty always wins, I guess”. I sighed.

Well, our office went back to its earlier state of tranquil efficiency. We achieved one part of our goal, at least!

I politely declined the wedding invitation that came from Sheena a month later.

Yes, I have absolutely retired from the business of matchmaking.  Never again!

Sometimes, late at night, I turn on this old song by this raspy British Rocker.

“Some guys have all the luck….”  He croons on and on!

No kidding!