Arranged Marriage rules!

Harrison taught Religious Studies in my small liberal arts college in the Midwest. He researched on Hinduism for a while. Went to Delhi several times with his  grant money. He knows our culture and our  lingo. Right now he was at my door, eagerly anticipating a taste of my very own  shrimp and pork Masala, a world-class culinary creation (just kidding!)

“Khya Hull Hoy, Pronto Saab?”

I flinched. Even to  a Bengali who spoke only Bazaar Hindi, Harrison’s Hindi accent was painful!

After soothing our souls with copious amounts of shrimp, pork and  cereal malt beverage, we had our meaningless after-dinner chat. That evening, the conversation turned to lust.

“Desi lust is unique, Harrison” I said

“Lust is lust. How is Desi lust different from Pardesi lust? You mean like ABCD lust?

“I am referring to  our  contemporaries,  middle-aged desis who came here in the 60’s through the 80’s.  Stalwarts of our expat community, good jobs, stable families, great kids  going to college or on their way to a bright career. Some are rich, most are solid middle-class.

“You mean the age-old mid-life crisis? Ha!  There is nothing Desi about that. Every day in America, thousands of middle-aged men wake up, feel their lives are empty and proceed to make a mess of themselves.”

“But Desi Lust is different.”

“Who is lusting anyway?  Anyone I know?”

Our very own Chuck (Chittaranjan). You met him at Duga Puja. When he heard I was single and socially active, he got real friendly. This middle-aged, rich married man told me all kinds of raunchy jokes. A lot of  info on the best porn on internet. Then he proposed a trip to Bing Cherries, our local strip joint!

“Didn’t your moral degeneration start at the same   vortex of vice a few  years ago? .

“Yes, but that’s another story. Anyways, he was very impressed that I knew several topless ladies by name. They came over and said hi. He kind of lost it! Started  chasing the girls around.”

“Not cool! Even strip joints have their etiquettes!” Harrison said.

“He spent about  $150 in about an hour taking lap dances."

“Pronto, man, I wish I could be with one of these chicks!” Chuck finally confided to me!

“Tired of being a devoted husband, eh?”

“It’s only my lifelong fantasy, man. I will do anything to make it happen. You seem to know a lot of girls. Can you do something?”

“Well, it could be arranged. Let me look around” I said casually.

Little did  I know how  seriously he took my casual remark. E-mails started coming every day. Phone calls to my office; messages galore – he wouldn’t leave me alone!

“He was asking you to act as ….ahem …what  we  call a pimp around here.” Harrison was amused.

“I am aware of that. When things got really annoying, I started looking around. It took a while. To cut a long story short, I finally found two girls, Heather and Debbie, that were willing to meet him."

“Look, Chuck man, your ship has finally arrived! Two young women, both in their 20’s, want to meet you tomorrow at  my house.”

Chuck seemed ecstatic “What are chicks like, Pronto?”

“They are fun-loving girls, looking for an older man to take care of them, I guess. They are not strippers  or anything, they have regular jobs. Heather is  petite, with light brown hair. Debbie is partly Hispanic, looks a lot like our Bengali beauties.”

“Tell me more Pronto. What are their bodies like? Well-endowed? Do they   do anything special?”

He wanted to know every minute detail! I told him what I knew. When I told him Heather’s nickname is Hoover Heather, his voice started shaking,

“You mean Hoover as in Hoover vacuum? You are  not kidding!”

“Good pimping Pronto!” Harrison was impressed.

The big day finally came. The girls were already in my living room. I met Chuck in my driveway.

He saw Debbie’s car in my driveway. Suddenly, he did not seem  that excited any more.

“They are really here”! He said, in a wry voice.

What happened afterwards was a huge anti-climax!

 He sat on the chair right where you are now.  He basically looked at the floor, and made small talk with the girls. No mention of dating, going out or  even going to dinner! The Romeo inside him suddenly disappeared.

The girls were surprised. They thought Chuck didn’t like them.

Debbie was the playful type. She struck provocative poses. Walked  around the room showing off her tight ass.  Tried  to flirt with him.

Nothing! I finally said “Let’s get some brews in the bar next door. We can talk there”

Chuck got up. “May be some  other time. Nice meeting you ladies.”

I walked him to his car.

“What the hell happened?”

“Heather is too white, very pale. And Debbie is  not a white chick. I don’t like colored girls Pronto.”

“That was his excuse? One is too white, the other is colored!”  Harrison was laughing!

The expert on India pondered this for while. Then he said,

.

“May be Sanatan Dharma poked at his conscience. May be his eternal love for his wife welled up in his heart, just at the right time, giving him the moral strength to be faithful.”

“No way! This man has never interacted with  women. The only women he ever talked to were his relatives, friends’ spouses or business associates!  His wife was given to him by his parents, wrapped up and ready to love.  The strippers are there for the asking.  But   he needed to actually converse with  these girls to get things going. He chickened out! Simple as that!

“Now, now! I don’t completely buy that chicken hypothesis. What did he do afterwards? Did he cool down?”

“Nope, it gets funnier. As he was getting into his car, he asked me

“Just out of curiosity, did you ever bang these chicks? ”

“Of course, just before  you got here” I lied through my teeth  “On my bed, side by side. Didn’t you notice their hair was messed up a little bit?”

Chuck’s  eyes were popping out! Desi lust was all over his face, again.

“Really! You are my Guru, Pronto. My wife isn’t expecting me for the next two hours. Want to go to Bing Cherries and have a couple of beers?” He winked at me.

“This is  hilarious!” Harrison was still laughing hard! “Yep, he is a chicken! Will this poor man ever straighten out his libido-ridden pea brain?

“Nope” I said “Once a chicken, always a chicken.”

“But look at the bright side. He will never be unfaithful to his wife! He will only fantasize about it! Constantly!”

I saw his point.

“Indeed!  Arranged marriage transcends Desi lust once again! I guess Chuck’s generation of  Desis is destined to enjoy eternal marital bliss!"